Entertainment Update: More Entertaining Than People, Less Credibility Than Us Weekly

T.V.
Marissa Cooper (portrayed by Mischa Barton) will be questioning her sexuality in upcoming episodes of The O.C. More importantly, Mischa Barton is the most ginormous ball of suck that I have ever had the misfortune of watching. Unfortunately, I don't think any of you saw my third grade performance in Babushka. But trust me when I say I acted circles around Mischa Barton.
I hate that she gets all of the press from this show. Peter Gallagher's eyebrows alone deserve more press than she does.

Music
My love for The Killers has slightly diminished after reading that Brandon Flowers is something of an ass. Why?! He's ever so pretty in his eyeliner. Are there no quiet, sweet, sensitive artists left? Eyeliner optional. I suppose he can still be my pretend rock star boyfriend because I like his pretty suits. And he dances well.

Movies
With all the so called horror flicks coming out its difficult to keep them all straight. I'm here to help.
Alone In the Dark: Tara Ried fights evil with her massive breasts. Or she plays an "anthropologist".
Boogeyman: Sony Pictures says "A man revisits horrific memories from his past.." but all I think of when I see this is the guy who played Matt Camden on 7th Heaven. So by the end of this movie I expect all of our problems to be resolved and for us all to have learned a valuable lesson.
White Noise: I want to see this one. I really do think it looks scary-- at least scarier than the Tara Ried boob movie--and I kind of feel bad for Michael Keaton. I mean, he hasn't had a role in like, 10 years, and I always thought he was the best to ever play Batman. In your face, Clooney.

Open Letter To Ashlee Simpson

Dear Ashlee:

Stop. For the love of GOD. Just stop.

Its not that you don't have talent. Okay. It is. I just feel that I should bestow upon you a few words of wisdom. Because I like ya, kid. Just not your voice. I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
Last summer you came out with a sweet little song about young, innocent love. It was cheesy, but then I always had a secret love for cheesy songs. Damn Vitamin C.
I watched your show on MTV. I sympathized when you thought ugly hair Cabrerra didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day and when your mom said you looked like a boy on the set of that Pizza Hut commercial. I wept for you Ashlee Simpson.
Then you came out with this song about how your parents loved Jessica more. And suddenly you're more angsty than a "My So Called Life" marathon. Whats that? She's wearing black fingernail polish!! She died her hair!!!Edgy!! You starred on 7th Heaven.
This would all be fine, except for the fact that you sing about as well as I do. And I can carry a tune as long as its in a fairly large bucket with a sturdy handle. Translation: I wouldn't be able to sing live.
Which brings us to the infamous SNL performance that had many of us asking "Why Ashley, Why?" Why take the risk of getting caught and embarassed in front of God and Jude Law and everybody? Why do that ridiculous Irish jig?
Then came the criticism. But mainly just from Elton John. And Edgy!Avril Lavigne (ugh. Shut up Lavigne.) And then pretty much every late night talk show host on public and cable television.
I must admit. You handled it fairly well. But did you think that a couple of TRL appearances with you jesting about the debacle would make it all go away? Oh, Ashlee. Thou art naive. Two words: Orange Bowl. and. Ouch. Make that three words. Ashlee, that was a reaction akin only to Roseanne Barr's rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner." And that wasn't pretty.
Here's what you need to do and don't take this the wrong way: find another profession. I don't care what. Act. Write a book. Just take some serious time off. Maybe come back a few years later with a new, mellowed album. Nothing involving la-la-ing on a kitchen floor. You know what I'm saying? I'm thinking it could be big. Because didn't you want to rent Gigli just to see if it was as horrible as you had heard? Yeah. That's what I thought.
Just something to think about. Glad to be of help.

Gender Stereotypes in the Classroom

I recently overheard this conversation in my cadet class.

girl 1: Lets watch "Cheetah Girls."
boy: Who wants to watch a movie about girls? ( This will undoubtedly change in about 6 years when he's ordering "Girls Gone Wild 6" on Pay Per View.)
girl 2: Me! I love "Cheetah Girls!" The boys can watch G.I. Joe or something.
boy 2: That's G.I. Joe: Vigor vs. Valor, thank you very much.

Kids say the darndest things.

Pop Culture How I Love Thee...

http://www.fametracker.com/2_stars_1_slot/brody_hanks.shtml

Ahem. My lover.

If You're Gonna Sweat the Small Stuff, Wear Deodorant

Last year Mrs. C had us create advice books for English 3. I enjoyed this way too much. The following is some of the advice that I included in the book along with some things I've learned since.

Never do anything once featured on a Lifetime movie.
Drink a Mountain Dew everyday.
Embrace your dorkiness. Sing R.E.M at the top of your lungs.
Take time to look at the stars.
Daydream during studyhall.
Learn to play an instrument. Even if its the kazoo.
Don't stare at the sun during a solar eclipse.
Don't worry about what you wear. Twenty years from now you'll look back at photos and realize everyone looked equally lame.
When you're feeling down sing the Barenaked Ladies song "One Week." It will instantly lighten the mood.
Do something outrageous. If only just once.
Live by "Ferris Buellers Day Off."
Find good friends who will take time out of their busy lives to play "Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon" with you.
Don't marry anyone who wouldn't give you the window seat.
Talk to strangers.
Keep your mind open.
Throw away all of your preconceived notions about people.
Watch John Hughes movies on a regular basis.
Don't regret.
Contrary to popular belief, not all of your life goals have to be accomplished before you turn 30.

Ryan Seacrest and Global Warming: Its Going To Be A Good Year

Reasons Why This Will Be A Good Year
1)I usually spend New Years Eve watching Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years. Which sucks. This year it was Ryan Seacrest, who, although still a tool, sucks slightly less.This has to mean something.

2)I followed this up by watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" with Mare and Stacy. It is absolutely the most terrifying and disturbing movie I have ever seen. I can't get into my car without looking in the backseat for Leatherface. Paranoia. What better way to ring in the New Year?

3)Our weather is beautiful. This probably means the hole in the ozone layer has been enlarged even further, due to the copious amounts of Aquanet I used to get my hair big for 80's day. You can thank me later.

4)In honor of the dawning of a new year, Star 92.9 is having a flashback weekend. That means all 80's and early 90's all weekend. I find the B-52's and Kylie Minogue's version of The Locomotion" to be inspiring.

I love 2005 already.